Why Am I Blogging About My Child’s Sexual Abuse?

Feeling Alone as a Parent of a Sexually Abused Child

When we learned that our 5-year-old daughter had been sexually abused, one of the things I attempted to do was look for testimonials of other families who had been through similar situations.  My extensive Google research would indicate that there is, unfortunately, no shortage of families who share this experience.

And yet, all I could find were very clinical books. I bought one because I needed all the help I could get. When Your Child Has Been Molested: A Parents’ Guide to Healing and Recovery was incredibly helpful for validation of the steps I had already taken and had some good forward guidance of things to keep in mind as Princess Milkface continued to process this abuse.

Sexual Abuse Experts:  We Were Not Alone, and We Not to Blame

We spoke to a therapist who specialized in sexual abuse. Her perspective as an impartial third-party, who sees these types of cases several times a day, was valuable in helping us realize we were not alone.  Over several months, she helped Princess Milkface process this experience and helped us set up clear lines around safety that would be even more critical now.

I remember calling the instructor from our adoption class to explain why we needed to take a break from actively pursuing a match for a little while.  I started crying as I explained that we didn’t know whether we were even still eligible to adopt a child from foster care when we couldn’t even keep our own child safe.

Her response shocked me.  After sharing that she was so sorry to hear that this had happened to our family, she said two things that I carried with me through that storm and beyond.

You are not to blame for someone else’s decision to betray your trust.”

And….

If anything, when you’re ready, this makes you even more qualified to be parents to our kids.  You have a level of empathy and experience that many adoptive families simply haven’t had the opportunity to develop. You can definitely help our kids. But wait until you’re ready.”

I started reflecting on the sexual abuse portion of our adoption training. It was undoubtedly the most difficult, emotional night of our class. I remembered the anger and the judgment I felt, especially for mothers, who placed greater importance on their boyfriends and their addictions than on protecting their children. For days after that class, we thought about those children and how adopting a child who was dealing with the trauma of sexual abuse would impact Princess Milkface. We ultimately decided to protect our current child and decided we most likely would not be comfortable adopting a child with a  history of sexual abuse.

Yeah.  Good thing we were so protective, right?  Right.

I was fortunate enough to have never had first-hand experience with sexual abuse until that class.  I had a couple of friends who had alluded to a “creepy uncle” type of story in the past, but, honestly, I was embarrassingly ignorant.  Most of what I knew came from our adoption class, and now I was one of “those moms” who let this happen to her child.

I felt so ashamed for letting this happen to my child, and so incredibly alone.

If We Talk About Sexual Abuse, We Can Increase Awareness

Then, I went to lunch with a mom friend of mine.  She knew that something was going on, and she asked if I was okay.  I took a deep breath and shared our story with her.  When I finished talking, she was silent. I immediately started to panic.

Oh no.  She’s judging me. Nononononono. I shouldn’t have shared this. I was right. I really am a terrible mom.

Then as tears filled her eyes, she said,

“I’ve had concerns about my own child’s safety in a certain situation, but I’ve been in denial about it. I just never thought something like that would happen to us. Thank you for this wake up call.”

Thankfully, her concerns were unfounded. When I told another friend, she had a similar reaction.

Sexual Abuse Does Not Only Happen to “Other Kids”

I started to realize that the mental Venn Diagram I had created needed some adjustment.  The reaction I had in the adoption class, and the shame I was feeling reflected this view of the world.

When you don’t have a child who has been sexually abused, this is a pretty comforting vantage point. As long as we teach our children about stranger danger and private parts, and we’re “good parents,” This will never happen to us.

In reality, this view is dangerous. This view emboldens predators and shames many parents into not reporting crimes committed against their children.  And, by the way, this view is false.

This is a more accurate view of the overlap between all kids in the US, kids who have been sexually abused, and kids with “bad parents.” Some key changes to note…

• In order to quantify “kids with bad parents,” I’m including an average count of children in foster care on any given day.
• The sexual abuse victims and “kids with bad parents” circles are reversed from the original.  Sexual abuse is much more far-reaching than kids in foster care, or any other definition of “kids with bad parents.’
• The “Kids in Foster Care” circle extends past the original diagram.  Some kids in foster care actually aren’t sexual abuse victims…just more evidence that the world isn’t as black and white as we’d like to think.

According to Darkness to Light, 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before they turn 18, and girls are 5 times more likely than boys.  Applying this statistic to US population numbers, there are approximately 7.4 million kids who will be sexually abused before they turn 18.  Some of these might be in foster care, but based on the numbers, most of them are not. We cannot think about sexual abuse as something that only happens to other people.

#MeToo to #WeToo

There has been a lot of focus over the past year on #MeToo. When I started hearing the #MeToo stories, many broke my heart. It wasn’t lost on me that my 5-year-old child now had her own #MeToo story. God started nudging me about the importance of sharing our story as parents. I struggled for 6 months with fear and questions about how I would be perceived and whether this would violate Princess Milkface’s privacy. God just kept pushing me.

One day while I was watching the news, I heard a whisper in my soul.

#WeToo

#WeToo used to think sexual abuse would never happen to our family

#WeToo have been devastated by learning our child was sexually abused

#WeToo have chosen to report a predator, not for vengeance, but to take the first necessary step toward healing

#WeToo have braced ourselves for judgment while seeking professional support to help our family process this trauma

#WeToo struggled but ultimately found purpose in our trauma, leading us to grow closer as a family and closer with God