Captain Starburst and Sharapu: A Stepmom’s Path to Purpose in a Blended Family
What to Call the Stepmom?
Just before Honyay and I got engaged, we did a Thanksgiving
We were playing The Game of Things with the whole family, including Captain Starburst’s cousins. If you haven’t played before, it’s a great game, really for ages 7 and up, that generates lots of laughter and inside family jokes. Essentially, you’re given a “thing” as a category, and you need to write down what “thing” comes to mind. Then, everyone tries to guess who said which “thing.”
For example….we had the category, “Things I Don’t Like to Do.” When one of the cousins was reading everyone’s answers, considerable confusion ensued when he read, “
We all got a good laugh out of it and continued to work it into random conversations for hours. At some point, Captain Starburst realized that my first name (Sharon) was similar to “Shavapoo,” and changed it to Shara-poo. I was less than amused and told him to let it go, but the poo stuck. I eventually convinced everyone to at least modify the spelling to Sharapu to increase the sophistication of my new name.
When I think back on my name origin, it’s symbolic for so much in my stepmom journey. Had someone asked me if I wanted to have a name that started out as “Shovel Poo,” would I have said, “Sign me up?” Probably not. However, while it wasn’t what I wanted, it was what we needed. Sharapu became a name that was special between Captain Starburst and me. It gave him something to call me that was more intimate than my first name, while not creating the discomfort that would have come from using “mom” when he already had a mom.
On a similar note, if someone had asked me in my 20’s if I wanted my first child to be a 10-year-old stepson, I would have probably asked what my other options were. Yet, I fell in love with Honyay and as I got to know Captain Starburst, I fell in love with him too. It took some time for us to bond, and he put me to the test. No, literally, he put me to the test! He quizzed me on fun facts about him, and I wasn’t allowed to give him hugs and kisses goodnight until I got a 100%. It’s been an eventful journey that’s flown by from those early 10-year-old encounters to now having more adult conversations with our college freshman.
The Sanctification of Stepmoms
I’ve heard it said that children are a powerful source of sanctification in our lives. Before I decided to write that fancy word, I googled it just be sure it meant what I thought it did.
Sanctify, transitive verb
Merriam-Webster
1: to set apart to a sacred purpose or to religious use: CONSECRATE
2: to free from sin: PURIFY”
Of all three kids who have entered my life in unique ways, I think my relationship with Captain Starburst has been the most directly sanctifying for me. We all have our “signature sins,” the stuff we really
There’s nothing quite like being a stepmom to bring you face to face with pride issues. By definition, I have always taken second place behind Captain Starburst’s mom. Logically, I understand that, and I accept it. But in the heat of the moment, it can be tough.
When Captain Starburst missed his mom because she was on a grown-up vacation, I took a day off to have a playdate with him. He spent the whole morning moping around the house because he really just wanted to spend time with his mom.
Pride said he was being ungrateful.
Love helped me remember that it was just my job to show up and be there for him.
I spent HOURS helping him with homework, quizzing him for tests, and dealing with the fallout of procrastination when I would have rather been doing just about anything else.
Pride said, “Look at me! I’m such a great stepmom for going above and beyond. LOOK! AT! ME!!!!”
Love said, “You’re just doing what you can to do to help him succeed.”
When Captain Starburst proudly displayed his parents’ wedding picture in his bedroom, I winced a little bit each time I saw it.
Pride said, “It’s disrespectful of him to put that up in YOUR house.”
Love whispered, “Maybe…the fact that he’s comfortable enough to display happy memories of his parents together shows that he feels safe. And…maybe, a little empathy wouldn’t kill you, Sharapu.
When the yearbook dedication was made “just from his parents” to draw a clean, logical line in the sand, I agreed with the decision even while feeling the sting of exclusion.
Pride said, “That really sucks.”
Love said, “Yes. But, it’s not about you. And, you know he loves you.”
Over time, love has grown stronger in my heart. While pride still takes over at times, it doesn’t have the stronghold it once did. My relationship with Captain Starburst has helped to sanctify me and free me from the bondage that pride once had over me.
Can There Really Be a Sacred Purpose in Being a Stepmom?
But, what about that first definition of sanctify…about being set apart for a sacred purpose? If God hates divorce, how can anything about being a stepmom be considered “sacred?”
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28
There have been many days when I’ve been shoveling the proverbial poo that comes with being a stepmom, and it doesn’t feel
Last year for Christmas, Captain Starburst gave me an angel charm for my Pandora bracelet. He said he picked the angel because I have made a big difference in his life, and he sees me as his angel. Of course, I cried like a baby.
Pride said…Nothing. This time, pride had nothing at all to say.
Love said, “Thank you, Lord. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to build this beautiful family, and please help me continue finding ways to show up in love.”
As the Mom of Sharapu. I feel both pride and mostly love for this young woman who has grown from a little baby to the well-loved Christian woman she is today. Yes, we lived through the adolescent years together and came out better Christians because of it, and everyone reading this comment can too. live by 2nd Corinthians 2: 13; Faith, Hope and Love but the greatest of these is LOVE.
Thank you, Mom! Thank you for giving me a strong foundation of faith to always come back to, even when I wandered. <3
That was so sweet about the pandora bracelet!
Thanks, Lisa! He’s a really thoughtful kid. <3
This was beautiful! I love the pride versus love dialogue in your story. We should look at every situation in our lives that way.
Thank you….yes, when I step back and really think about many situations that I am making difficult, it really does come down to this. Thank you for the insight!
A beautiful post! Blending a family is one of the most difficult things to do in life!
Thank you! Yes….it’s not always easy, but it has definitely been worth it.
I too am a stepmom and you are so right that is a sometimes difficult but always rewarding undertaking. I appreciate your perspective!
Thank you for sharing yours! Sometimes it can be so easy to forget that we’re not the only ones dealing with some of these challenges. <3
very thoughtful and moving.
Thank you, Jen.
This was a tough read. I have a step daughter that I have been in her life since she was three and we have had these special moments. We are currently struggling with her at age 14, but this reminded me that those little things are forever and what cement a relationship. Thank you for this reminder.
Thank you for the vulnerability of your response, Pauline. It’s tough to admit things are tough, especially when you’re in the midst of it. 14 is hard….especially with girls! Keep fighting the good fight….it will mean the world to both of you! ❤
Powerful post thank you for sharing. Stepmoms are so precious. I almost became one and although difficult, I would have loved it.
Thank you for the kind words!
What a beautiful post. My sister is a stepmom. I am going to share this with her.
Thank you so much for sharing with your sister! I hope this blesses her!
I can only imagine how uneasy it can be to be a stepmom. And you are doing a wondrful job finding ways to walk in love with your children. And once ego is gone, life becomes so much more joyful and purposeful. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for the encouragement, Anna! It is much needed and appreciated!!! ❤
Love this! My sister just got married and became a stepmom to an amazing little 4 year old girl. Having to let pride take a backseat is so hard in this situation but so important. Having understanding and love toward your kids’ love of his mom is so wonderful. Too many kids live with constant competition and conflict surrounding them from their parents.
I agree, Meagan. That sense of competition can be so difficult to ignore, but if we don’t, it becomes our kids’ burden to carry. But it is NOT easy. 😑
Such a great perspective! I grew up with a stepmom, and it was difficult on both sides. But love got us through and really makes all the difference!
Thank you for the “stepkid” perspective, Caitlin! To have a productive, healthy relationship takes a lot of work and commitment from both sides. ❤
What a beautiful post! There is no place for pride when the ultimate goal is to be there for the kids wholeheartedly. You are amazing! My husband is a stepdad is he is pretty amazing too 🙂
Lol! I bet he IS amazing! Thank you for the kind words. I don’t feel particularly amazing most days, but I’m very grateful for the relationship I have with all of my kids. 😍
Pride and love cannot coexist. I love the pride vs love dialogue in your story. This is a great post, thx for sharing
You make a great point about how pride and love cannot coexist in ANY relationship, and it’s a much needed reminder for me. Thank you!
Powerful post, taking on a stepchild is a delicate balancing act. Well done.
Thank you for the encouragement, Sandi!
I love the story of the way your nickname came about. Even though it was not something you ever imagined, it seems like a memory you cherish.
Thank you, Erin! Yes…it really is. I’m grateful that Captain Starburst has a special name for me that is so personal. 😍
What a beautiful post. I am also a stepmom, and the loving part doesn’t come easily…it builds and grows with those moments you choose to love, despite the hard stuff.
Thank you for the validation and the kind feedback. ❤
I love this post! So touching! My kids had a step father and my daughter is now a step mother. She uses many of her experiences to navigate this journey and she was able to help mend her step daughter’s relationship with her dad. It has been very fulfilling!
Thank you, Tricia!
That’s really interesting! My husband grew up with divorced parents. He used his experiences to help inform what he wanted (and didn’t want) for his son. His hopes for my relationship with his son from the time we got serious were a huge part of why we have the relationship we do.
Beautiful insights! It’s HARD to blend a family and yet you have done so with grace a humor. How special to receive the charm as a physical representation of powerful love and gratitude. I love that pride was silent about that! Well done.
Thank you, Cindy. Believe me, I don’t always get it right, but I’m very grateful for the relationship we’ve formed.
So many things to think about – thank you for a peek inside blended families!
You’re welcome, Tiffany! Thanks for reading and commenting!
What a powerful post! At the heart of it all, it is about doing what is best for the child. It sounds like you are doing that and that is all a child could ask for in a stepparent! Good job mama!!
Aww…thank you, Kim! We certainly try. <3
This is such a beautiful story, I’m so glad that you have developed such a connection with Captain Starburst!
Thank you! So am I! ❤
Beautiful post, what a doll to choose such a special charm for your bracelet and the meaning behind it. Truly sweet 🤗 thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks so much, Angela. He always was a very special kid with a big heart. Now he’s a BIG young man (taller than my husband!) with still a BIG heart. <3