Two “S” Words: Don’t Let “Should” and “Shame” Steal Your Joy

Is it just me, or is it way too easy to struggle with something, work through it, and think you’re all done….only to have it come back around and bite you in the butt again?

That’s been me with shame. It’s so easy to recognize shame, to name it and see it for what it is, when you have the benefit of distance and perspective. Ooooh, but when you’re living with it…

Yeah.

I left my corporate leadership position, so I could take a temporary time out. To focus more on my family and support everyone with all of the change we took on in 2018.

My 83-year-old mom moved 50 miles to be closer to us.

We added a teenage girl to our family.

Captain Starburst was making a rough transition into college.

These priorities came even more into focus in early December when we discovered that our teenagers had been collaborating against us to go off the rails. And again, last week when my mom fell and broke her wrist.

If I listened to anyone talk about taking time to focus on their family under those circumstances, I would be impressed by that values-based decision. If I had a friend who made that decision, I would support her in any way I could.

What did I do for me in those circumstances?

I should-ed all over myself.

I was missing out on the moments that I needed to claim as important wins because I was too busy should-ing on myself.

I should be working harder at finding a job. Sharapu, you know it’s going to take some time to find the right thing. You know if you screw this up it’s going to impact your whole family.

I should be using this time to work more on my blog. Sharapu, I thought you said this was important to you. Why aren’t you doing more?

I should be KILLING IT with the grocery shopping, the meal prep, the Honyay lovin’, and the kid nurturing. What else do I have to do?

I should be getting back in shape, eating well and exercising Every. Single. Day. Because again, what else do I have to do?

I should be spending more time connecting with God…reading my bible and praying. Of all the Proverbs 31 women, I should be the Proverbs 31siest right now.

All of those shoulds led me right into shame. I believed I wasn’t good enough. I was convinced that I was disappointing everyone who had ever believed in me. I forced myself through the motions of my to-do list each day, but inside, I was shutting down. And, WOW was I ever defensive! Because my internal talk track was so destructive, I was quick to assume that the intent behind any questions or comments from anyone else was equally negative.

I had lunch scheduled with some of my girlfriends this week. I was looking forward to some much-needed time with my tribe. At the same time, I was dreading it because I just knew that if they saw the real me and what I mess I had become, they would be so disappointed in me.

During lunch, one of my well-connected friends offered to leverage her network to help me get in front of more decision-makers in my job search. I saw the look of concern in her eyes when my immediate deer in headlights reaction was to deflect and mumble something incoherent while my eyes were starting to fill with tears. How could I tell her I was afraid to accept her help because I didn’t want my certain failure to reflect on her?

Before long, I was crying in the middle of the restaurant. All my fears and negative beliefs about myself came tumbling out and were met with surprise and empathy. There is something precious about having friends who can speak truth with compassion and remind you of who you are when shame has stolen your healthy self-awareness. I left the restaurant feeling grateful and freer than I had in over a month.

So, why would I choose to share this embarrassing mess of my life? Because I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one. Because this struggle with these two “S words” – Should and Shame has trapped me before. As I’ve shared this struggle with some friends, their eyes have reflected back more than just concern and empathy, but also recognition.

So, in this moment of clarity that I’m experiencing, what would I tell “month ago me” to avoid the pit of despair I created?

• Stop Should-ing All Over Yourself.  When I should-ed all over myself, I was really playing the victim card. I had unrealistic expectations for myself that I would never place on someone else. When I couldn’t achieve those expectations, it was easy to wallow in self-pity. When I catch myself should-ing, I’m trying to remember to stop and reframe my thinking.
  • If it’s something you just don’t want to do, then own it. Maybe it would be better if I looked for a job every single day, but today I’m just burned out. Nothing terrible is going to happen if I don’t look at a single job board for one day and go to the beach instead. And then, go to that beach and don’t look back!
  • If you’ve chosen to sacrifice progress in one area to improve your focus on something more important, own that decision proudly. Don’t pick up that lesser priority and start beating yourself with it when you made the right decision for your circumstances.
• Celebrate Success (and there’s always success). As an operations leader, it has served me well over the years to be focused on continuous improvement. There’s always something that can be optimized to take it from good to great. The danger in that mindset is, it’s all too easy to miss out on celebrating the things that are already great.
  • When I was in the midst of should-ing and shaming myself, there were many things that I was accomplishing, but I was dismissing them as the unimportant things.
  • During my emotional lunch, my friend switched into tough love mode on me and got very serious. “Tell me three things you’ve accomplished since you left your job. Now.” I dug deep and grudgingly found three things. Even as I said them, I dismissed them as not that big a deal, or they were just the things I had to do. Which brings me to….
• Set Realistic Success Criteria. Did I emphasize realistic enough? I had success criteria. I had TONS of it. But, if I didn’t do All The Things, perfectly, I was failing. During December and January, I accomplished the most important priorities at that time. And if I’m going to be honest, I did a pretty darn good job at it. But, I felt like a failure because I ignored everything I learned in my corporate life about setting a manageable number of achievable goals. What should I have done instead? I’m so glad you asked!
  • Ask, what is most important? What is my why in this season?
  • Based on that, what are the 2-3 most important things that I need to accomplish over the next few weeks? How will I know that I’ve accomplished them?
  • Write this down. For real. I’ve probably read 20 different articles about goal setting for the new year. I get that writing goals down is a key component to achieving them. Yes. Absolutely. But…that documented list of your priorities can help you stop should-ing all over yourself.
    • Sharapu….you should have a job by now.
      • Actually, I committed to myself that I will catch up on time spent focused on my family until January. I’ve been doing exactly that.
    • Sharapu….you should have painted the laundry room since you haven’t been working (yes…that was actually one of my things!). 
      • I’ve been spending my “working” time getting my resume updated. It’s actually done early, so I’m going to try having lunch with my girlfriends without crying this time!
  • Celebrate when you’re done (see above), and start the process again! Now that you know what your real priorities are, it’s easier to know when it’s time to celebrate.

Here’s some truth. Even as I’m writing this post, those whispers are still creeping in….who do you think you are to write about this? You’re struggling with it yourself. You’re no expert. It would be so very easy to listen to that voice and just delete this whole post.

But, that would be letting shame win. And today, I’m going to achieve my goal of authentically sharing my story through this blog. And I’m going to pray that sharing this story gives someone out there a sense of relief when they realize they’re not alone.

And…I’m going to celebrate my decision to be brave.